1. When you have time to mow the grass when it is a reasonable length, it will rain. Until the grass is an unreasonable length.
2. When the grass is at a sufficiently absurd length, the weather will break. You are now free to mow your grass three times, or until it’s dark outside. Likely both.
3. The location where the mower will run out of gas will be that point which is geometrically the longest distance from the location of the gas can.
4. You will fill the gas tank for 30 seconds to reach halfway full. You will then fill it for approximately another two seconds in order for it to overflow all over the hot motor and scare the bajeezus out of you.
5. The two most effective tools for locating the last pile of dog poo in your yard are (a) your shoes, and (b) the lawnmower blade.
6. As when washing your car, if your neighbors happen to see you mowing, they will make the obligatory “hey, when you’re done…” joke. The only acceptable response is a polite chuckle. This is a crucial part of the suburban social contract, and is required in order for you to use the same joke when you catch them mowing or washing their car. And so the circle of life continues.
7. No matter what setting you select on your mower, the resulting height of your cut grass will be exactly ½ inch taller or shorter than the adjacent lawn, even if you and your neighbor are mowing simultaneously.
8. The correct size mower deck to buy is n+2″, where n is the size mower you just bought.
9. Cutting fancy checkerboard patterns into your grass is acceptable. Distress signals to low-flying aircraft are not. (Sorry, FAA…)
10. Grass is stupid. Get a goat. Or AstroTurf. Or pour concrete.